


I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides

by Marittimo



Series: There's always a space in my heart for you [3]
Category: 24 (TV)
Genre: Chappelle is a great friend, Cooking, Domestic Fluff, Fear of workplace discrimination misinterpreted as internalized biphobia, Handcuffs, Hospitals, Insecurity, Love Confessions, M/M, Shooting, Worry, reassurance, resolved misunderstanding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-03
Updated: 2021-02-12
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:28:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 11,162
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28008465
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Marittimo/pseuds/Marittimo
Summary: Jack had to do a double-take at the caller's ID before answering his phone."Chappelle, if this is about making me come back at CTU I already told you-""Cut it Bauer, this is not about you. It's about Tony." Chappelle interrupted him, and Jack's heart skipped a beat."What about him?" He asked, defensive. Had Chappelle found out about them? Was that the reason why he was calling?Was Tony about to face problems at CTU because of it, because ofhim?But Chappelle didn't give him time to dwell on it too much, and went straight to the point. "He's at the hospital. He's been shot."
Relationships: Tony Almeida/Jack Bauer
Series: There's always a space in my heart for you [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2042143
Kudos: 13





	1. Chapter 1

It was a rainy day, and Jack had spent the whole afternoon down at the garage. In between the usual workload there was a personal project he was working on, something Mark had got just for him, knowing it was a challenge Jack wouldn't be able to resist.

It was a true beauty, a 1969 Trident T150 750, the same model he had owned when he was younger. Though very few people would have called her beautiful in the state she was in right now. Quite rusty, with the gas tank than needed to be repainted- the previous owner must have been colorblind, that honey-gold had been a terrible choice-, brakes that had to be replaced, and a lot of other missing pieces, it was easy to pass her by without giving her a second glance.

But Jack could see behind that, could already picture her refurbished, and then it would be like being in his twenties once again.

The new brakes had been easy enough to find, and he was about to get started with them when his phone rang.

Jack had to do a double-take at the caller's ID before answering.  
"Chappelle, if this is about making me come back at CTU I already told you-"  
"Cut it Bauer, this is not about you. It's about Tony." Chappelle interrupted him, and Jack's heart skipped a beat.

"What about him?" He asked, defensive. Had Chappelle found out about them? Was that the reason why he was calling?  
Was Tony about to face problems at CTU because of it, because of _him_?

But Chappelle didn't give him time to dwell on it too much, and went straight to the point. "He's at the hospital. He's been shot."

Jack's phone slipped from his hand and he stumbled against the wall, his legs giving up, and Jack lowered on the ground trying to make sense of what Chappelle just told him. It felt like his whole world had collapsed.  
_'I can't lose him too, I can't...'_

"Bauer, are you still there?" Chappelle's voice came from the phone, and Jack forced himself to pick it up and took a deep breath. Tony needed him, he couldn't afford to have a breakdown now. "What hospital?" He asked.  
"St. Thomas."  
Jack nodded. It was close, he'd be there in 15 minutes, 10 if he rushed.

"I'm on my way."

~

Jack burst into the hospital anxiously, immediately spotting Chappelle in the hall, sitting down and waiting, biting his fingernails as he always did when he got nervous.

"Where's Tony? Is he okay?" Jack asked approaching him, concern plain in his voice.  
"He'll live, Bauer, relax." Jack nodded. Chappelle's calm was enough to soothe him. He was a straightforward man and Jack knew that if the situation had been critical Chappelle would have told him.

"He got lucky." He continued, staring at space, the shooting playing in his mind over and over again. "It was a clean shot, through and through, no organs were hit."  
Jack sighed, relieved, then finally sat down next to Chappelle, his head in his hands.

"Why did you call me?" He finally asked after a while, that question had been burning in his mind since he got Chappelle's call.  
"I figured you'd want to be here for him." He answered, pragmatic. "And it seems to me I was right."  
Jack's voice was raw as he spoke again, deep and low. "And I'm thankful for that, I really am." Jack took a deep breath. "But I need you to tell me how you knew." He finished, his heartbeat quickening.  
Chappelle sighed, knowing well Jack wouldn't like the answer he was about to give him. "He asked for you right after he was hit." He finally confessed.

With an expression of disbelief, Jack sighed and let himself drop back against the seat.  
_'I thought we agreed on keeping this between us.'_ He thought, taken aback. _'Why would he give us away? Does he realize his job is on the line?'_

"If it's any _consolation_ to you, he only spoke to me, and obviously I told no one." Chappelle said bitterly, giving him a stern glance.  
Tony loved him so much, and this is what Bauer felt in exchange? Shame and fear? Ryan couldn't believe it.  
_'Maybe I was wrong.'_ He reasoned. _'I shouldn't have told Tony to take a chance on him.'_

"Relatives of Anthony Almeida?" A nurse interrupted his thought, walking into the room.

"CTU. We need to see him right now." Chappelle said, standing up and showing her his badge.  
Instinctively, Jack's hand had gone to his pocket to take out his badge too, only to realize he didn't have one anymore. Old habits died hard it seemed.

"He's still unconscious, but should wake up in a few hours." The nurse informed them. "Would you like to come back then? We'll call you as soon as he-"  
Chappelle only needed to take one look at Jack's worried face to make his decision. "No, we'd like to see him now." He interrupted her.  
She looked surprised at that unexpected answer, but nodded anyway. "Alright, then. Follow me."

When they finally reached the room and the nurse opened the door Jack's heart stopped for a moment. Nothing could have prepared him for that sight.  
"Oh, Tony..." He gasped.

He laid unconscious on the bed, his expression tense as if he was in pain, and the bandages around his shoulder were still soaked with his blood.

"Give us the room, please." Chappelle was quick to ask the nurse and, with yet another nod, she left.  
Jack mumbled a _'thanks'_ his way, and Chappelle turned away respectfully to give them a semblance of privacy, feigning interest in the flyers on the wall.

Jack walked to Tony's side and gently took Tony's hand in his, murmuring soft words too quiet for Chappelle to understand.  
He stood like that for a long time, and didn't try to hide his tears when they came at last.

He didn't notice the man who came in until he heard Chappelle address him. "Doctor, finally! Speak to me, what's his condition?"  
Jack was quick to wipe away his tears with the back of his hand and turn to them. 

"Well, Mr. Almeida was very lucky." The doctor started. "No internal organs or major arteries were hit, and we were able to stop the bleeding easily. We still need to run some tests on him, routine checks mostly, but we expect him to make a full recovery in less than three weeks."  
"That's great!" Chappelle nodded, glancing over at Jack's relieved face.

"How much longer will he have to stay here for?" Jack's voice came from behind them, calmer now, contained.  
"He's to be discharged in two days." The doctor announced with a confident smile.  
Jack smiled back, and Chappelle wondered when was the last time he had seen him do that so genuinely.

Jack stood up, stepped forward towards the doctor, and shook his hand. "Thank you." He simply said, gratitude plain on his face and in his voice.

~

Chappelle walked through the corridors quickly, eager to get back at CTU and interrogate the son of a bitch that caused all of this.  
Jack had decided to stay the night, and had promised to call him if he needed anything.

"I can go back to your place and get you some clothes if you want." He had offered, but Jack had refused, knowing well that all of Tony's stuff in his house would have given them away even more.  
"I'll go get them in the morning." He had assured him. "Go back to your job, Ryan. Put that motherfucker behind bars."

Chappelle smiled. Despite Bauer's evident shame, he knew Tony was in good hands. There was only one last thing that he needed to take care of.

"Nurse," he called out when he finally found her familiar face, "one more thing before I go."  
She turned around, recognizing him. "Sir?" She asked, waiting for him to speak.  
"Mr. Bauer, the man that was with me, is to all intents and purposes a relative of Almeida, and he's to be treated as such, understood?" He asked, the authoritative tone in his voice making it perfectly clear his wasn't a suggestion.  
The nurse gave him a knowing smile and nodded once again. "Yes, sir. I'll make sure of it."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know absolutely nothing about motorcycles, I just thought [this model](https://www.motorcyclespecs.co.za/Gallery%20C/Triumph%20Trident%20T150%20750%2068.jpg) looked great.


	2. I could stay awake just to hear you breathing

Once Ryan was gone Jack settled down on the chair next to Tony's bed and wrapped himself in the blanket the nurse had brought him just minutes before.  
It was still early evening, but Jack was exhausted both physically and emotionally, and figured he'd try to get some sleep.

He had called Mark and had explained to him what had happened, and he had assured Jack that there was no problem and that he could handle the garage on his own for the next couple of days. Jack had tried to argue that he could still come to work the next day, but Mark had refused.  
"Take all the time you need." He had insisted. "He might be the one that got shot, but you're the one that's hurting."

Now looking at his unconscious lover beside him Jack sighed, then started to talk to him softly. "You really scared me today, you know?" He started, turning to Tony as if expecting an answer from him, but apart from the constant sound of Tony's monitored heartbeat and his own heavy breathing, the room stayed silent.

"When Chappelle called me and told me what had happened... I thought I was gonna lose you. Just like I lost _her_." He confessed, looking down, his voice starting to break.  
"I don't know what I would have done if you- if you..." But Jack couldn't finish the sentence, couldn't bring himself to even think about what could have been. He buried his head in his hands and wiped his tears away. "I can't live without you. It sounds cliched but it's true."

"I love you so much, and I can't wait until you wake up so I can tell you again. I'll tell you a hundred times, a thousand times, I'll say it until my lungs give out, just give me the chance to do it. God knows you deserve to hear it."  
"You took care of me before, and now it's my turn to take care of you. I swear I'll do my best, I won't let you down." Jack murmured his promise before finally giving in to sleep.

The next morning found Jack asleep in his chair, drooling and bent in a way that would surely make his back hurt later that day, but with his hand still intertwined in Tony's.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title comes from Aerosmith's I don't want to miss a thing


	3. Chapter 3

"Jack..."  
Jack opened his eyes when he heard his name being called. He was confused at first, disoriented, but as soon as he realized where he was it all came back to him. _'Tony. How is he?'_  
Looking towards him Jack saw he was awake, and relief filled his heart.

"Good morning." Tony said, smiling weakly.  
"Tony..." Jack whispered. "It's so good to hear your voice again."  
Hadn't he been afraid of hurting him, Jack would have pulled him into a tight hug and never let go of him.

"Jack, what happened? Where are we?" Tony asked him after a moment, a confused expression on his face as he looked around the dimly lit room.  
"We're at the hospital. You got shot, remember?"  
As soon as Jack said the words it all came back to him.

How he got distracted for a second while following a suspect, and suddenly felt that burning pain in his chest.  
How he thought he was about to die and asked for Jack as he laid on the concrete, trusting Ryan with a message for him in case he didn't make it.

 _"Jack. I need..." He struggled for breath, but he_ had _to speak._ _"Need to talk to him, I-"_  
_Ryan was kneeling beside him now, applying pressure to the wound. "Don't try to speak." He said, his voice shaking. Tony had never heard him this scared._

 _"If I don't make it-" He continued, but Chappelle was quick to interrupt him._ _"Hush, you'll be fine."_  
_Tony's vision was blurry, but he swore he had seen Ryan crying._

_But he needed to finish, needed him to know. "Tell him. Tell Jack I-"_  
_Once again, Ryan refused to let him finish. "No way. You'll tell him yourself, you hear me? You'll be fine."_

He heard Jack reassuring him that he'd been lucky and was going to be okay, but all Tony could think about at the moment was that if Jack was there it meant now he knew Ryan knew about them.

"Jack, I'm so sorry I gave us away..." He started, guilt eating at him inside. "I just panicked, and I was in pain and-" But Jack interrupted him, taking Tony's hands. "Let's not worry about that now. I'm just glad you're alright." He reassured him.  
But Tony shook his head. He needed to explain why he betrayed his trust, needed Jack to understand. "As I lied down there I swore to myself I wouldn't ask for you, I knew you wouldn't have wanted me to." That sentence alone broke Jack's heart. Did Tony really believe that? "Tony, I-"

"But then I looked down and saw how much blood I was losing..." His voice grew thinner at the memory. "Jack I thought I wasn't going to survive." He confessed trembling, and Jack's hands tightened around his at the idea.  
"Call me selfish but I just wanted to see you one last time." He broke down at that point, and tears started to fall from his eyes. "I couldn't die alone, I just couldn't. Not like that. Not until you knew." Tony took a deep breath before continuing his speech. "And maybe you already know, but I wanted you to hear it from me."

"Tony, if you're not ready you don't have to-"

"I love you, Jack." He confessed, his voice feeble and broken, but with a big smile on his face. "I love you so much, so fucking much..." It felt so good to finally say it, and now that he had admitted it Tony couldn't stop repeating it, for all the times he had wanted to say it but had held back. "I'm sorry I never told you, I was afraid. I didn't know how you would react to it, and-"

"You did tell me once." Jack pointed out with a soft smile, interrupting him. Tony gasped. "Y-you heard it?"  
Jack smiled softly. "Barely, and I almost thought I was dreaming at first. Did I manage to say it back?" He wondered, genuinely curious.  
Tony chuckled. "Don't you remember? You said it first."

"Oh." Jack gasped, blushing. "I didn't remember that part, no." He admitted. He was silent for a moment then, just gathering the courage he needed.  
"Well, let me tell you again then, properly this time."

"I love you too, Tony." His voice trembled, Tony felt the emotion behind those words and knew Jack really meant that, wasn't saying it just to make him feel better. "And I'm glad you told Chappelle to call me, I'm so happy to be here with you right now." He continued, tears falling from his eyes freely at that point.  
"Yeah?" Tony asked, needing to be sure he wasn't saying it just for his sake.  
Jack nodded. "I'm just grateful I was here when you woke up."

Tony sat up straighter on the bed, then held out his arms to Jack. "Come here."  
The hug was careful considering Tony's wound, but enough for both of them to feel safe and loved, to be reassured they still had each other.

Jack's voice was barely louder than a whisper as he spoke again. "I don't know what I would have done if you... if you hadn't... "  
"Shh, don't think about that. I'm here. I'm okay." Tony reassured him, holding him tighter. "You won't get rid of me that easily." He added with a chuckle, and when they parted Tony saw a smile on Jack's face.


	4. Chapter 4

Tony had been discharged after two days just as the doctor had assured them, and Jack couldn't remember ever feeling that relieved.

The drive home was spent laughing and singing along to the radio carefreely, and once they were there Jack helped Tony to walk from the car to the house and then, finally in the privacy of their own home, Jack turned to kiss him, losing himself into how good it felt.  
It had been hell not being able to be as openly affectionate as they were used to, as they had wanted to, and now they were determined to make up for it.

After a moment Jack broke the kiss, then took Tony in his arms and lifted him up to carry him bridal style to the bedroom.  
Tony hadn't been expecting it and after an initial moment of confusion he just laughed heartily, wrapping his arms around Jack's neck.

Jack laid him down on the bed and helped him change into a clean pajama, but when Tony undressed and his stitches came into sight Jack couldn't help the lump in his throat. He stopped and stared at the wound, his mind wandering to all the worse possible outcomes, all the what-ifs.

"Hey." Tony called him back to reality running a hand through his hair. Jack looked up at him and saw him smile. "It's alright, I'm fine now. I'll survive with just a little scar to tell the tale. It's over." He reassured him.  
Jack just sighed, then took Tony's hand in his. "I love you so much." He confessed, his voice trembling.

Tony took him in a tight embrace, and Jack let himself relax in his strong arms, even though he knew Tony would never really be safe as long as he was working at CTU.

They both knew what they were getting into when they took the job, and Jack would be the first to admit that he had never been overly worried about his own wellbeing, but now that Tony's life was at risk it was different. He had been lucky this time, but would he still be the next one?

A part of him wanted to beg, implore, _force_ even, Tony to quit, to leave CTU behind like he himself had done, but he knew he couldn't ask him that. He knew that if Tony felt it was necessary, he would take that decision alone, when and if he ever felt ready.  
And no matter how much he wanted to keep him safe, Jack would never make him feel like he had to choose between what they had and CTU.

So Jack just laid down next to him and said nothing, running a hand through Tony's hair gently as he prayed nothing like that ever happen again.  
Laying beside him, Tony could sense Jack's tensed resignation, and it broke his heart to know there was nothing he could say to comfort him.

~

Tony couldn't sleep.  
He had spent a lot of time just tossing and turning, hoping he could somehow will away the guilt that was keeping him up, but it had all been in vain.

"Tony?" A sleepy voice came from beside him, and when he turned Tony saw Jack looking at him concerned.  
"Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you." He apologized.  
"It's okay." Jack assured him. "Are you in pain? I think you could take something for it again already, enough time has passed since you last-"  
But Tony interrupted him shaking his head. "It's not that." He assured him. "I'm fine, Jack. I'm in no pain."  
"Alright, I'm happy to hear it." Jack said with an unconvinced smile. "But what is it then?"

Tony sighed. "There's something I want to tell you, but I'm afraid of your reaction." He confessed.  
Jack looked hurt then. "Tony, you know you can tell me anything, right? I swear I won't get mad."

"Alright." He took a deep breath before finally speaking. "It's about the incident, about me giving us away to Chappelle."  
"Ah, I see." Now it was Jack's turn to feel guilty. "I made you feel like you couldn't talk about us, and I'm sorry. That was never my intention." Jack assured him. "I was just concerned about you."

"Me?" Tony asked, confused.  
Jack nodded. "Yes, I was afraid you could... face consequences at work because of me. Because of us."  
"Consequences..." Tony repeated. He had never even considered it, but now understood Jack's fears.

Jack nodded. "You know as well as I do that if this gets out you could be fired." Jack explained. "I know Chappelle is a good friend, but I don't know how he'd react to this... side of you. I could have ruined your friendship Tony, just by being there." Jack took a deep breath then, both saddened and angered by that thought. "I know how close you two are, and it would have devastated me if he couldn't look at you the same way anymore because of me."

"Jack, it's not like that." Tony could see how much it was affecting him to think he could have compromised him in Ryan's eyes, and knew there was only one thing he could say to reassure him. "Would it help you if I told you he knew of us before today?"  
Jack looked up at that, disoriented. "...what?"

Tony sighed. "That's what I was trying to tell you." He explained, trembling lightly. "I told him about us some time ago already. And he has known about me for years now."  
"Oh." There was no other answer from Jack, and Tony started to panic. He knew he had fucked up, but hoped with all his heart that Jack could forgive him. "You have to understand, he's one of my best friends." He started, a pleading expression on his face. "When I left you so abruptly that morning after you kissed me... I didn't know what to do and I needed someone to talk to, someone who could give me some advice, so I went to him."

"He knew from the very beginning then..." Jack realized, his expression unreadable.  
"You know, he talked me into coming back, actually." Tony smiled weakly at the memory. "He told me I was being unreasonable and should trust you to know what you wanted."  
"I would never have told him if I had suspected he would tell anybody." He added when Jack kept silent. "And I told no one else I assure you!"

Jack watched as Tony started to panic, and rested a hand on his shoulder, hoping it would ground him again, calm him.  
"I believe you, Tony." He said reassuringly. "And don't worry, I don't mind that he knows. Just... why did you still felt bad about telling him to call me the day of the incident then?"

"It was different, Jack!" Tony tried to explain, desperation plain in his voice. "I wasn't sure someone else wouldn't come back to the hospital with me, and _they_ would have known. And it's not like the hospital personnel is blind. I still exposed you."

 _'_ 'Exposed _me...'_ That was when realization hit Jack. _'He still thinks I'm afraid to go public for my own sake!'_  
"Oh, Tony." Jack said, holding him closer into a hug and burying his head in the crook of his neck. "I'm so sorry I made you believe I wanted to hide our relationship."

Tony furrowed his brows and broke their embrace. "...you didn't?"  
"I couldn't be ashamed of you if I tried." Jack assured him with a smile. "I'd be proud to let the entire world know I get to be loved by you."  
"I'm ready to go public if you want to. I don't want to hide anymore."

Tony's eyes widened in surprise, but he tried to contain his happiness, unsure if that was what Jack really wanted. "You don't have to do this for me, you know."  
But Jack just shook his head. "It wouldn't be just for you." He confessed. "Do you know how horrible it is to know I can't casually hold your hand when we're out for a walk? That I have to double-check my every move when we're together, because one touch, one word, one _glance_ could give us away?" His voice was trembling with emotion by then, and at that moment Tony knew he really meant it.

"I'm tired of all of that, Tony. If you're sure you won't face repercussions at work then let the world know. Let them see how lucky we are to have each other." He offered, taking Tony's hands in his. "I love you, and I need you to realize I'm not scared of that."  
Tony leaned into him and there was a calm urgency in the kiss they shared, an acknowledgment of just how much they needed each other.

After that Jack decided there was a perfect way for him to prove to his lover just how serious he was, that his weren't only empty words. "I'd like to go out as soon as you get better. As a couple." He confessed, looking up at his lover expectantly.

"Are you asking me on a date, Jack?" Tony asked with a smile, blushing lightly.  
Jack nodded. "Yes, I guess I am. What do you say?"  
Tony's smile widened. "I'd love to."

It was Jack who initiated their kiss this time, and it was just as passionate as their previous one.

"You think you'll be able to get some sleep now?" Jack asked him once they parted, and Tony nodded. "Yeah. Thanks, Jack."  
Jack smiled as they laid back down, and covered them both with a blanket. "Anytime." He answered as Tony's arms wrapped protectively around his waist.


	5. Chapter 5

"Love?" Tony's voice came from upstairs and Jack smiled at the pet name, his heart still skipping a beat every time he heard it.  
Tony had started calling him that right after the incident, after they confessed their feelings to each other in that gloomy hospital room.

Not to be outdone and to prove to him that he meant it too, Jack was starting to use some terms of endearment as well, but he was still trying them out, searching for something that came naturally and wouldn't sound forced or extremely cheesy.  
He got down to _dear_ or _darling_ , and both felt just right when Jack took one look at the other man.  
_My_ man, he realized in awe, smiling.

"Please tell me that's takeout I'm smelling." Tony said, entering the kitchen. He'd been bedridden for a week, on Jack's order more than the doctor's, but now was finally allowed to walk on his own without worrying Jack too much.  
Jack shook his head, smiling. "Uh-huh."  
"You're cooking?" Tony asked, feigning astonishment. Jack nodded proudly and Tony let out a comically high-pitched 'Oh God, I'll be back at the hospital in no time.'

Truth was Jack had gotten good at cooking lately, but the running gag of him being a disaster in the kitchen was still funny to both of them.

"Hush, I need to focus on this." Jack's reply came with a chuckle and a loving glance.  
"What is it?" Tony asked coming up behind him and resting his head on Jack's shoulder, admiring how his lover's hard work.  
"Spaghetti." Jack said proudly. "I thought about making my own tomato sauce, but then realized that store-bought sauce is better than burnt inedible one."

For as much as he had improved, Jack would be the first to admit he had no clue how to prepare a lot of things if Tony hadn't shown him how to before.  
They had found the most effective way for Jack to learn new recipes was by having Tony prepare them first while talking Jack through it, explain to him what he was doing. Jack would try to recreate it right after, while his memory was still fresh, but if he forgot a passage or just found it too difficult Tony didn't mind helping him out.  
"I bet you remembered that and pretended you didn't just because you love it when I order you around." Tony would tease him from time to time, and they would both laugh.

"Sit down now, it'll be ready in a little while." Jack told him, and Tony didn't protest. Even though he tried not to show it too much, Tony knew Jack still worried for him and thought him too weak to stand for long periods of time.  
The care he had shown him the past few days was as surprising as it was welcome, and Tony had found himself falling more in love with Jack with every passing day.

~

The little while turned out to be another 30 minutes, but Tony didn't mind, and spent them observing how focused Jack got, so determined to make a perfect dish for him.

In the end Jack managed to burn himself thinking he could just grab the pot with his bare hands _twice,_ and the spaghetti was overcooked and way too salted, but Tony ate it up like it was the best meal he'd ever had, and maybe it was.  
It seemed to him he could almost _taste_ the love Jack had poured into it.

"Is it any good?" Jack asked tentatively, looking at him impatiently waiting for a reaction.  
"It's delicious love, thank you." Tony nodded, reassuring.  
That earned him a heartwarming smile, and he couldn't help but smile back.

As they finished their meal Tony let out a satisfied sigh. He had got shot just days before, yet life had never been that good.


	6. Chapter 6

"Evening, Bauer." Chappelle said, patting his shoulder as he stepped in and left Jack confused and speechless at his front door.

"Chappelle? Wha... What are you doing here?" He asked, closing the door and following him inside.  
"A little bird let it slip that you aren't the best cook of the house, so I took the liberty of inviting myself over and bring you some homemade lasagna. You're welcome." Chappelle explained with a grin, walking towards the kitchen to put down the tray that he was carrying.

"Oh." Jack said once he was over his initial surprise. "Thanks, Ryan. You really shouldn't have." He added, and there was genuine gratefulness in his voice.  
Chappelle smiled at that, and once he spotted Tony on the sofa his smile only widened, and his whole face lit up. "Tony! How are you feeling?" He asked, walking up to him ecstatic and setting down the lasagna on the coffee table to squeeze Tony in a tight embrace.

"I'm good, Ryan. Much better." He assured him, a happy expression on his face as he relaxed into Chappelle's arms.  
"Glad to hear that." Chappelle replied, only then noticing Jingle, that had approached him cautiously and was now rubbing against his legs.

"Oh, hi there!" He exclaimed in a high-pitched voice, enthusiastic as a child as he picked her up gently and sat her down on his lap. She looked oddly calm, like she had never been with strangers before, and after seconds she was already purring happily as he stroked her fur, his smile never fading.

Jack watched the scene in front of him amused and confused at the same time. This looked nothing like the Chappelle he had known for all the years he had worked at CTU and a lot more like the great friend he had heard Tony talk about so many times.  
It made him smile seeing how easily Chappelle made himself at home on the couch next to Tony.

Not wishing to interrupt them Jack picked up the lasagna and headed to the kitchen, but it seemed that move was enough to bring Chappelle's focus back on him.  
"You trust me to heat it up or prefer to do it yourself?" Jack asked raising an eyebrow, and Chappelle seemed to seriously consider it before answering with a chuckle. "I entrust it to you, Bauer." He said. "Take good care of it."

"And what about you, is he taking good care of you too?" Chappelle asked Tony as soon as Jack was out of the room, trying and failing to mask his genuine concern.  
"Yeah, Don't worry. He's great." Tony reassured him. "A little overprotective but that's to be expected after all that happened."  
"Mh-hm." Chappelle nodded, thoughtful. "Then I'm very happy for you." He said in the end, and meant it.

Tony's smile faded as he noticed his lack of enthusiasm. He had even stopped petting Jingle, and when the cat jumped down and headed to the kitchen following the inviting scent of the lasagna he didn't even seem to notice.  
"Isn't this when you remind me to thank you for convincing me to come back to him?" Tony asked him, trying to bring his spirit up again, and was surprised to hear Chappelle sigh. "Depends." He confessed, uncomfortable to bring up his greatest worry, but knowing he had to talk to Tony about it. "Is he still ashamed of you?" He asked, pitying his friend.

"I never was." Jack's voice came from behind them, and Chappelle paled visibly. He had no idea Bauer was back in the room.  
He lowered his head as Jack walked to the couch and sat down next to Tony determined to explain that misunderstanding.  
"He was actually worried for me," Tony explained, "he thought you'd found out I'm gay and fire me."

Chappelle stared incredulous at Jack for a while processing what Tony just said before he started laughing, soon followed by Tony's light chuckling.  
"Oh God. Bauer, you were one of the best agents I've ever worked with, but you can be so dense at times!" He said, and Jack found himself smiling as well.

It was at that moment that the microwave's timer rang, and Jack was about to get up when Tony beat him to it. "Stay here, I'll take care of it." Tony reassured him, wanting to give the two of them some time to talk alone, and leaving the room before Jack could object.

For a moment none of them talked, then finally Chappelle broke the tense silence between them.  
"Bauer?" He started, concern plain on his face. "Do you love him?"  
Jack nodded without having to think twice about it, not afraid to admit it anymore. "More than anything."

"Good, that's good." Chappelle nodded, but he still looked worried, like something was still eating at him inside. There was a moment of silence before he spoke again. "Does he know?" He asked.  
"I mean, of course he knows that, he's not _blind_ , but what I want to know is, do you tell him? Do you remind him of it?"

"Yes, of course I do." Jack said, hurt that Chappelle might think he wouldn't, but then remembered all the times he hadn't told Tony, all the time they had spent avoiding those very words. "I do now." He specified, and saw Chappelle relax at that, understanding the difference in that change of wording. He could still read through him so well it almost scared Jack.

"Then we're good." Chappelle said. "But I swear to God Bauer, if you hurt him-"  
But Jack never got to hear the end of that threat, because right at that moment Tony's voice came from the kitchen. "Guys, dinner is ready!"

~

After they ate Tony and Jack both complimented Chappelle on the delicious lasagna and thanked him for it. The rest of the night was spent recalling old funny anecdotes and updating Jack on all of CTU's gossip, and they had some good fun.  
Tony smiled, relieved. It was the first time he had been able to mention CTU without seeing something shift in Jack's behavior.

~

Once Chappelle had left, Jack's opinion on Chappelle had changed completely, and he felt the need to apologize to his lover.  
"I'm sorry I doubted him." He started. "I had no idea how close the two of you were. And he's nothing like the Chappelle I knew from work."  
Tony nodded. "I know. He always tries his best to be as emotionless and detached as possible, even though he's a really emotional person." He explained. "He just thinks people won't respect him unless he acts professional at all times, so he hides that part of him as much as he can."

"How did you break through that shield then?" Jack asked furrowing his brows, genuinely curious.  
Tony smiled thinking back at it. "I started opening up to him," he said, as if it was the most obvious thing, "and in time he felt safe enough to open up to me as well. He had seen my vulnerability and realized he could show me his own without fear of being judged."

Jack smiled. If anyone could have done that of course it would have been him. "Tony, you are a wonder." He told him, genuine emotion in his voice.

There was something about that that made Jack think back to Teri, to how simple it had always been for her to start a conversation with complete strangers, create a connection with them. They shared that same selfless kindness that made them so easy to love, Tony and her, and Jack realized that for the first time in months he had able to think back to her without losing his smile and without feeling guilty for loving Tony.

Wrapping his arms around Tony's waist and resting his head on his lover's shoulder, Jack smiled.


	7. Chapter 7

"You're sure you're feeling well enough?" Jack asked him for what felt like the hundredth time. "Remember, the doctor said you shouldn't tire yourself out."  
"I rested for two weeks, Jack. I'm okay to work now." Tony reassured him with a pat on his back. "I'll have no problem filling out all the paperwork that's waiting for me."

"You're sure you don't want me to drive you there?" Jack offered, and Tony's heart melted at that. He knew how much the sight of the CTU headquarters still affected him, and reasonably so. Jack always avoided that whole part of the city if he could, it reminded him too much of the day he had lost his wife.  
But for him Jack would have gone there, Tony realized, only to avoid him the slightest discomfort.

"I'm sure, love." He answered, standing by his decision. "But thank you. I really appreciate it." He said, smiling up at his lover.  
"Alright." Jack gave up with a sigh. "Just be careful."  
Tony nodded. "I will, and you try not to worry too much." He said, putting on his jacket and walking to the door, Jack following him like a lost puppy.

"Love you, Tony." He told him, and the desperation in Jack's voice left a lump in Tony's throat. "Yeah, love you too." He replied avoiding his eyes, feeling oddly guilty as he got into his car and left.

Tony sighed, his mind still on his Jack as he drove through the city.  
He thought back to the way Jack had held him in a tight embrace, that so uncharacteristic 'I love you' that had sounded too much like a goodbye for Tony's taste, as if Jack expected him to never come back.

 _'That's a horrible way to live.'_ He reasoned, saddened. _'Constantly worrying from when I leave till I come back to him.'_  
And Tony knew how Jack's mind worked, how it could get the best of him with horrible scenarios and past memories.

It bothered him all the way to work, and once he parked he sat in the silence of his car for a long while just trying to figure out what to do.

 _'I can't ask him to keep living like this.'_ He realized in the end, and at that moment Tony knew what he had to do.  
With his mind made up, he stepped out of the car and entered CTU, immediately heading to Chappelle's office.

"Tony, welcome back!" His friend greeted him warmly, getting up from his chair to wrap an arm around his shoulders. "I'm happy to see you haven't starved to death." He commented with a smile. "How are you feeling?" 

Tony looked down not to meet his eyes. "I'm alright. But, uhm..."  
"Ryan, there's something we need to talk about." Tony took a deep breath before continuing. "I'm resigning." He confessed, feeling the weight on his chest lightening until it dissolved completely now that he had finally taken his decision.

Looking up at Ryan at last Tony saw the genuine surprise on his face. "I'll be honest, Tony. I did not see this one coming." He told him, trying to wrap his mind around it.  
It wasn't unusual of course, many agents quitted after an injury, but Chappelle knew that couldn't be the only reason for Tony's choice, knew him too well to believe that. And he had his suspicion about what was really behind this sudden decision.

"You're doing this for Bauer, aren't you?" He asked smiling smugly, knowing he was right even before Tony answered.

"I am." He nodded, smiling back, his anxiousness slowly fading. "But I think that I'm also doing this for myself." He confessed. "It hurts me, you know? Knowing that working here I put myself in danger every day. After all he's been through already... He couldn't handle it if anything serious happened to me." Tony shivered at the thought, shaking his head trying to will it away. "Now he lives in fear that I won't come back one day, and I don't want that for him, he deserves better than this."

"Alright." Chappelle nodded, understanding. "What's the plan now, then?" He asked, genuinely concerned for his friend's future.

Tony sighed, thoughtful. "There is no plan, Ryan." He admitted. "I'll start looking for a different job. A safe one, hopefully with nice working hours so Jack's not already asleep when I come back home." He smiled delighted at the idea, and at that moment Chappelle knew that was the right decision for his friend. "Sounds lovely." He replied. "Believe me when I say I'm happy for you, Tony. For both of you. God knows you deserve it."

Tony nodded. "Thanks Ryan, I appreciate it."  
"Well, I guess I'll go print my letter of resignation now." He said, walking to the door.

"Tony, one last thing." Chappelle said, and Tony stopped on the threshold, turning around again. "Yeah?"  
"I'll personally make sure you won't be anywhere near the field in these two weeks." He assured him, and Tony gasped, surprised. "I... Thank you, Ryan. It means a lot." He replied, gratitude plain on his voice.  
"Oh, don't mention it." Chappelle said. "I owe you that much after all that I put you through."

Tony's smile disappeared immediately at that. "Ryan, we talked about this." He said, sighing as he went back to sit in front of Chappelle. "The shooting wasn't your fault, you must realize that."

But Chappelle just shook his head, unconvinced. "I shouldn't have let you go inside that building alone without having it searched first, I-"  
"We both know there was no time for that." Tony reminded him. "Let go of all this guilt, please."

Chappelle was quiet for a long moment, trying his best to believe Tony's words, to convince himself there really was nothing else he could have done to protect his friend.

"I'll try." He said in the end, and Tony nodded. He knew it would be difficult for him to get over the incident, but Tony was determined to help him through it.  
"That's all I'm asking you." He assured him with a reassuring smile.


	8. Chapter 8

As Jack woke up that morning Tony was still asleep.  
When he checked the time and saw how late it was he was surprised. It was so unlike Tony to forget to set his alarm or sleep through it.

"Tony?" He called him, gently shaking his shoulder. "I know I wore you out last night but you really need to get up now, you're already late for work." He informed his lover, his voice almost apologetic.

"Oh, am I?" Tony asked, rolling over and grinning up at Jack mischievously remembering the previous night, far more awake than Jack would have thought. "Shame, I was hoping we might have time for a morning round."

Jack chuckled sitting up on the bed and stretching his back. "It'll be a miracle if we even have time for breakfast, dear." He pointed out.  
"Mh. What if I told you I'm not going back to CTU?" Tony asked, crawling his way behind him and resting his head on Jack's shoulder.

"What do you mean?" Jack asked confused, his blood running cold as Tony got up and sat on his lap, wrapping his legs around Jack's waist. "God, you did get fired then!" He exclaimed, horrified.  
"No Jack." Tony was quick to reassure him, caressing his cheek. _"I_ resigned the first day I went back after I got shot. It was my decision." Tony confessed with a smile, leaning into him and laying a kiss on his forehead. "Yesterday was officially my last day."

"Really?" Jack's mouth dropped open and Tony chuckled at his astonished expression. "Yes, Jack. Really."  
"I- I don't know what to say. You didn't have to do this just for me, you know." He said, his thumb nervously running circular patterns on Tony's leg. "I know you liked it there..."  
"I did it for both of us." Tony assured him, holding his hands gently. "We couldn't keep living in fear, just waiting for the next incident to happen. That's no way to live."

Jack just looked at him for a moment, then wrapped his arms around him in a tight embrace. "Thank you, Tony." He whispered in the crook of his neck, and at that moment Tony knew he had made the right choice.

They stayed like that for a long moment, never uncomfortable in the silence between them.  
"What will you do now?" Jack asked after a while, and Tony smiled. "You, I'll do you every day, every time I'll manage to get my hands on you." He said against Jack's skin, nuzzling his neck.

Jack chuckled. "Well, since you're not working today you can start right now if that morning round offer still stands."

It was then that Tony had an idea. "You know, despite resigning I managed to still keep my handcuffs." There was a clear suggestion in his deepening voice, and Jack was already nodding, eager to be bound to the headboard once again.  
But Tony had other plans. "Why don't you tie me up?" He offered, smiling at Jack's incredulous face.

"Fuck, for real?" He asked, shocked by the unexpected request. Tony just nodded. "You get to do anything you want to me today."  
"But your stitches... You're sure?" Jack asked, protective as always.

After a second visit to check how Tony was healing the doctor had had to apply stitches again after the first ones had come off, his wound still not completely healed. He had assured them it was perfectly normal and happened to a lot of patients, and that Tony could continue to work without any problem, but it was in Jack's nature to worry.

"It's not like we haven't made love in the past few days." Tony pointed out furrowing his brows, not understanding what the problem was.  
"Yeah but not like this..." Jack argued weakly, thoughtful. "I just don't want it to be too much, I don't want to hurt you." He confessed in the end, his voice trembling.

It had been his greatest fear ever since Tony had moved in, and it had only grown after his drunken incident, when he had slapped Tony's face, twice. It was still one of his worst memories and frequently starred in his nightmares.

Tony smiled up gently at his ever worrying Jack. "I know, but you won't. I trust you, love." He encouraged him.  
"And for that I'm so thankful." Jack said, taking Tony's hand to his lips and laying a gentle kiss on it. "But if at any point you're even slightly uncomfortable, let me know, alright?"  
"I will." Tony promised him, nodding.  
"And I'm not talking just about your stitches." Jack continued. "If you change your mind about this just tell me and I'll release you."  
"Deal. Now please, try not to worry so much." Tony said, hoping not for the first time that his lover could let go of the insecurities and past memories that held him back.

"Sorry... I didn't mean to annoy you." Jack said, looking down ashamed.  
"No need to apologize." Tony assured him caressing his cheek softly until he looked up again and their eyes met once more. "I love how gentle you are. Shows how much you care." He ran his other hand through Jack's hair and pulled him closer to kiss his forehead before he got up. "I'll go get them now, I'll be right back."

Jack did his best to relax while he was gone, reminding himself that Tony knew what he wanted, and was more than capable to stop him if he wanted to.  
"Here." Tony said walking back to the bed, effectively stopping Jack's train of thoughts.  
He held out the handcuffs for him and Jack took them, hoping Tony didn't notice his shaking hands. "Thanks." He said, taking a deep breath.  
Tony met his eyes, looking concerned. "You look so tense, love... Are you sure you can do this?" He asked. "I won't get mad if you say no, you know."

Jack took a moment to ponder on it.  
It was true, he _was_ tense, still afraid he could hurt Tony if he wasn't careful. But when he looked back up at his lover's eyes he saw the desire plain on his face, and suddenly Jack remembered just how much he wanted this as well, how much he was sure they'd both enjoy themselves if he could just put his insecurities aside.

"I know that, dear. And I'm sure." He said in the end, looking at Tony with a confident smile.  
"Great!" Tony smiled back, grateful to see his lover more relaxed. "Now, how do you want me?"

"First of all I want you naked." Jack said, slowly slipping into his controlling and demanding self that he knew would drive Tony crazy.  
Tony obliged, stripping slowly, making a show out of it like always, and Jack nodded in approval. "God, you're gorgeous." He commented, still trying to understand how come he got to have someone like Tony in his life, what he must have done to deserve such a blessing.

"And you're mine, aren't you?" He added, already knowing the answer to that question but never growing tired of hearing his lover say it.  
"Always." Tony assured him.

"Lay down now." Jack said, getting up and making room for him, then proceeding to restrain him.  
Tony let out a soft gasp as the handcuffs closed around his wrists, and Jack couldn't help but worry. "Is it too much?" He asked, concerned.

But Tony just shook his head, smiling up at him genuinely. "No, they're perfect."  
"Alright." Jack nodded, reminding himself Tony wasn't saying that just for his sake, that he wanted this just as much as Jack himself had wanted it when their roles had been reversed. The thought helped him, and once he felt calmer he laid down beside Tony, starting by just letting his fingers run lightly on his skin.

After a while Jack's hands found his nipples, and Tony let out a small cry as his lover teased them with his thumbs, circling them. Then Jack straddled him and leaned in closer to breathe on the sensitive skin, and Tony shivered beneath him.

When Jack put his mouth on his skin to kiss his nipples, lick them, _bite_ them, Tony let out a satisfied sigh, and Jack heard the metallic sound of the handcuffs as Tony struggled in them, longing to run his fingers through Jack's hair, to rest his hand on the back of his neck to guide him further down... But Jack did the exact opposite and taking his hands away he moved up to kiss him but then stopped just out of Tony's reach, smirking at the silent pleading in Tony's eyes.

"Please." Tony begged, and Jack gave in, moving closer to meet in a sweet gentle kiss.  
"I love you." He whispered against Tony's lips before claiming them once again.  
Tony whimpered as Jack got away, but he was quick to make it up to his lover as he moved downwards, leaving a trail of light kisses behind him.  
His mouth was warm on his skin, down to his lap and then moving to his inner thighs, but they both knew it wasn't enough for Tony.

After a while Jack answered Tony's unspoken plea and shifted his focus onto his lover's already painfully hard cock.  
Jack stroked it roughly a couple of times, then took his hand away, grabbing Tony's hips instead, sure the grip was strong enough he'd leave bruises, then lowered down to lick it teasingly, looking up at Tony.  
When he did he saw Tony with his head thrown back and his mouth open in a silent cry, the gentleness of Jack's tongue so different from the rough strokes of moments before. 

Jack kept on going for a moment, stopping when he thought Tony was enjoying it too much, and after a couple of minutes of this slow pleasure _torture_ Tony let out a muffled sound.

"What was that?" Jack asked mellifluous, raising his head.  
"More." Tony repeated his plea, desperation in his voice. "Please Jack, give me more, I-"  
"So now you understand what your endless teasing does to me." Jack commented with a smirk.  
Beneath him Tony whimpered. "Give me something, Jack. Anything!" He begged. "I need you."

"I'll give you everything you need," Jack assured him, his voice loving and caring, "in time." Tony whimpered at that addition. "But I want to drive you crazy first." Jack finished.   
"You already have." Tony assured him with a whine, breathless.  
Jack smiled down at him then, reaching out to caress his face. "Patience, dear."

~

Jack kept teasing him for other ten minutes or so, but to Tony it felt like an eternity. All his senses were in overdrive and his mind could only focus on his desire.  
"I can't..." He finally cried out after a while. "I need you, please!"  
Jack smiled, and there was no hint of malice on his face. "Of course you do. And I could never deny you."

Jack laid down on him to whisper in his ear, his chest pressed against Tony's and his breath hot against Tony's skin. "But you must tell me what you want."

Surprised and overwhelmed, Tony didn't know what to say at first. "I... I..." He started, and thankfully Jack saw the confusion in his eyes and decided to help him out.  
"I could keep going," he explained, his hand speeding up as he stroke Tony's cock, "or I could ride you."

Tony nodded enthusiastic, and Jack chuckled. "Which one is it that you want, dear?"  
"Ride me." He panted out. "Please do, love. Please!"  
"As you wish." Jack answered with a smile, getting off of him and reaching for their bedside table, grabbing the lube and pouring some on his hand, then stroking Tony's cock with it.

Once Tony was ready Jack started to prepare himself, slowly taking one of his own lubed fingers inside, trying to make a show out of it, teasing his lover even more before finally giving him what they both wanted.  
It didn't take Jack much longer until he felt it was enough, he was still somehow looser from the night before. He took Tony's cock in his hand and started to sit on it slowly, adjusting to the familiar intrusion.

Once he was fully seated Jack took a short moment to relax before he started moving, enjoying seeing Tony closing his eyes lost in his pleasure and trying his best not to thrust up into him.

"I wish I could touch you." Tony confessed, moaning.  
"Yeah?" Jack asked, eager to hear more about it. "What would you do to me?"  
"I'd wrap my arms around you," Tony started, his voice growing deeper, "then I'd scratch your back _until you bleed_."

"You'd like that, wouldn't you?" Tony continued, opening his eyes to stare at Jack, smirking. "You act so tough, but you love it when I'm rough with you."  
"I do." Jack confessed with a smirk, stilling completely and leaning forward. He heard Tony's soft cries of protest but ignored them.  
"But so do you." He said against the skin, then bit down hard on Tony's shoulder, sure it'd leave a mark.

As he did that Jack started moving again, his steady rhythm quickening, and that mixed with the burning pain was too much for Tony to take, and he came with a loud whimper, turning to Jack that, understanding his silent request, leaned closer into a kiss.

Then Jack lifted himself up and off of Tony's spent cock and, still straddling him, started jerking himself quickly, desperately almost.  
Tony opened his mouth, and the sight was enough to bring Jack over the edge, his come ending up all over Tony's face. Luckily he didn't seem to mind it too much, instead was trying to collect as much as he could with his tongue.  
Jack was quick to help him, swiping it off his cheek with a finger then bringing it to Tony's lips, gasping softly as Tony sucked it off of him, humming satisfied.

"Will you let me get you out of these now?" Jack asked once Tony was done, eyeing the handcuffs.  
"Yeah." Tony nodded, his eyes closed in his blissful afterglow.

"I love you so much." He said as Jack examined his wrist, making sure he hadn't hurt him. Only once he was sure Tony's stitches were fine as well did Jack release him, finally looking into his lover's eyes.  
"So do I, Tony." Jack assured him. "And I'm so glad we can say it freely now."

Tony looked up smugly at him. "Well, it looks like getting shot has his pros."

~

"Seriously though, what are you going to do now? Any ideas at all?" Jack asked, his hands still stroking Tony's hair.  
Tony turned to him, his head still resting on his chest. "Well, I've been looking around in the past couple of weeks and I've sent some applications."  
"Did anyone answer yet?" Jack asked, excited.  
Tony nodded. "The library did." He confessed, looking up to Jack expectantly. "And I think I'm going to take the job." 

Jack's eyes widened in surprise. "A librarian, Tony? Really?" Tony shrugged. "Why not? Quiet workplace, no more crazy shifts, and the most dangerous thing that can happen to me is getting a papercut."  
Jack chuckled. "I'll always be here to kiss it better, you've got nothing to worry about."  
Tony smiled up at him. "My knight in shining armor, what would I do without you?"


	9. Chapter 9

Jack had tried his hardest to reserve a table for valentine's day at Tony's favorite restaurant, but of course it was fully booked, so their date had to be anticipated to the 12th.  
Jack had looked disappointed until Tony had reminded him that it was just a date, that a couple of days didn't change the love they shared.

~

Jack had been locked into the bathroom for a good hour by then, trying his best to relax and failing drastically.  
He had showered and was now getting dressed. He had tried on three different outfits already but they had all looked slightly off. One was too elegant, one was too casual, and the last one just wasn't him.

Jack sighed in front of the defogging mirror, and that's when he heard a knock on the door.  
"Jack?" Tony called from the other side. "You've been in there for quite some time. Is everything alright?"  
Taking a deep breath Jack unlocked the door.

Tony looked magnificent in his prussian blue suit and Jack felt self-conscious, knowing well what he himself must have looked like, his hair still messy and wet, his expression stressed and tired.  
Tony saw the insecurities in Jack's eyes and worried. "What's wrong, love?" He asked concerned, resting a hand on his shoulder.  
"I don't know, I just... You look so beautiful tonight, and I-" Jack shook his head. "I can't even choose what to wear." He declared resigned.  
"It's alright, Jack. Come here now." Tony said, welcoming his lover in his arms, not caring about the water dripping from Jack's skin onto his suit.

Jack held him tight and Tony did the same, knowing his touch always reassured his lover.

Jack stepped back after a while and Tony let go of him, and when he talked his voice was soft and careful. "What's really the problem, love?"  
"If you changed your mind-" Tony continued, but Jack was quick to interrupt him, resolution in his voice. "No, I didn't." He said, shaking his head. "I just wanted tonight to be perfect, and as soon as something went wrong I lost it." He confessed.

"It's still a perfect night." Tony reassured him, and Jack looked up at him at that, a bit incredulous.  
"Really?" He asked, and Tony nodded, smiling. "Of course it is. I'll get to spend time with you, that's enough to make it perfect."  
Jack smiled back weakly realizing Tony really meant that.

"Can you help me chose what to wear now?" He asked then, feeling less hopeless already.  
Tony's smile only grew at those words, a sparkle of joy in his eyes. "I'd love to."

~

They arrived late at the restaurant, but it didn't matter much. The place wasn't overcrowded, and they were looking forward to a quiet evening.

Tony had ended up picking out some other clothes for Jack, assuring him he didn't have to dress elegantly just for him, and Jack was now wearing a nice knitted sweater, casual jeans, and the leather jacket Tony had got him for Christmas.  
He might not have looked as elegant as his lover, but judging by the way Tony had looked at him lovingly Jack knew that wouldn't be a problem.

Since there weren't many people they got to order shortly after they arrived, and once the food came it was as delicious as always.  
Jack watched as Tony enjoyed his risotto, and realized that despite his breakdown earlier the night really was perfect.

"I love you so much." He said, the words coming easily as Jack once again thought of how lucky he was to call Tony _his_.  
They were saying it pretty often now, but it hadn't lost its meaning yet. Tony still shivered at hearing Jack say it, and Jack's eyes still lit up every time Tony said it.  
This time was no exception, and Jack smiled as Tony looked up at him, the declaration unexpected out in public, but never unwelcome.

Jack's mind went back to the first time he had said it, then the first time he had thought it. The first time he had let Tony in, both literally and figuratively.  
God it seemed so distant, and Jack realized how much he had changed since Tony had walked into his life determined to help him and refusing to take no for an answer.

"You've given me a chance when I didn't deserve it." Jack started, emotions plain in his voice, but he didn't mind. He wanted to bare his soul to Tony completely. "I would have died without you, dear. Either with a bullet in my brain or because of my drinking. Or maybe I would have simply let myself go, I would have died alone, exhausted and full of sorrow, the shadow of the man I once was and the man I am once again. If I'm alive it's only because of you, and I'll never thank you enough for saving me from myself."

But Tony just shook his head, humble as always. "I didn't do that much, _you_ did."  
"I wouldn't have been able to do any of that without you." Jack assured him, reaching out to take Tony's hands in his. "You made me want to get better, _you gave me my life back_."

But Tony stood by what he had said, his smile never faltering. "And I'm telling you, I could never have done that if you hadn't let me in, if you hadn't found in yourself the strength to ask for help and accept it." Tony told him. "But you didn't stop there. No, you did even more. You opened up your heart again for me Jack, you gave me another chance after I ran away from you, after I doubted your feelings for me, and that's more than I could have ever dreamed of."

"And the way you love me..." He continued, shaking his head in disbelief. "I never thought I would be loved by anyone the way you love me." He confessed. "It's in every little thing you do to brighten up my day, it's in the sweet words you whisper when you think I'm asleep and I can't hear you, it's in the way you still look at me as if I'm too good to be real, as if I might suddenly disappear into thin air at any moment so you're determined to love me as much as possible while I'm still here." Tony clung tighter to Jack's hands.

"Love, I'm not going anywhere." He assured him with a big gentle smile, and it was only then that he noticed the tears in the corner of Jack's eyes. "I'll always be by your side, you've got nothing to fear."

"Thanks, dear." Jack told him, his voice shaking. "It's not that I doubted it, I just..."  
Tony nodded, understanding. "You can't always control where your mind takes you, it's not your fault. I just want you to remember that despite what you might think I'll never leave you again."

They sat there in silence for a while after that, just staring into each other's eyes and never letting go of each other's hands, and Jack's smile came back after a moment.  
"I love you." Jack said once again, then gestured for a waiter to come.

"The bill, please." He asked, then shook his head as he saw Tony taking out his wallet. "I'll pay, don't worry." He said.  
"Jack-" Tony tried to protest, but Jack was quick to interrupt him.  
"I insist. After all, I asked you here. It's only right." He said with a smile, and Tony gave up.  
"I'll get even one of these days." He warned him and Jack chuckled, looking forward to another imperfectly perfect evening out. "I can't wait."

**Author's Note:**

> Title comes from Dan Hill's Sometimes When We Touch


End file.
